How a Dog Hugs a Baby
ATTENTION ALL DOGS! THE FOLLOWING ARE IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUGGING A BABY
Category Archives: Dog Humor
Lesson Learned from a Dog
Thought for the day, from my goofy brother:
Handle every stressful situation like a dog:
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.
Until next time,
Good day, and good dog!
Puppy Property Laws
If I like it, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If toys are out, all of them are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
Until next time,
Good day, and good dog!
P.S. Same rules go for human toddlers!
Doggie Prayers
TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘ Chrysler Beagle’?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello’.
8. I don’t need to be immediately under Mom’s feet when she is carrying a laundry basket down the stairs. She can probably make it safely down without my help.
9. I don ‘t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
12. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch .
13. There is no secret exit from the bathroom. Mom or Dad will come out the same way they went in, so I don’t need to try to paw my way inside to follow them.
14. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Meet Gus
From Petaluma, CA: Have you ever met a dog you thought was so ugly, you couldn’t imagine why anyone would ever want him? Apparently, you haven’t met Gus, whose family, the Teeds of Florida, thinks he is just adorable, in spite of his winning the world’s ugliest dog contest over the weekend.
Life with Jake
Last year, my friend Wendy planted a small guarden in her back yard – just a few tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, squash, and green beans. She was amazed at how many cucumbers and squash were growing, but after each vegetable got to just about the point where she was ready to pick them, they would disappear!
She thought there must be a thief in the neighborhood, so she began keeping an eye on the garden. Soon she found out who it was. You guessed it – her lab puppy Jake!
Glad to see even dogs worry about good nutrition!
Until next time,
Good day, and good dog!
Rules and Regulations – dog style
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! Continue reading Rules and Regulations – dog style