TO: GOD

 FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch?  Or is it still the same old story?

 Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘ Chrysler Beagle’?

 Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

 Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

 Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

 Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 

1 I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

 3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

 4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

 5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

 7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello’.

8.  I don’t need to be immediately under Mom’s feet when she is carrying a laundry basket down the stairs.  She can probably make it safely down without my help.

 9. I don ‘t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.

 11. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

 12. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch .

13. There is no secret exit from the bathroom.  Mom or Dad will come out the same way they went in, so I don’t need to try to paw my way inside to follow them.

 14. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

 P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?